friends, lovers, or nothing.
I was cutting dead leaves off my plants today, hoping it would bring some life back into their once-green stems. They’ve looked so sad lately, probably because I haven’t been nurturing them the way I used to. I left them out in the sun this weekend, which helped a little, but I can still tell they’re stressed.
While I was plucking away, I thought back to a conversation I had the night before. Probably because I’m a terrible overthinker.
I was lying in bed with someone I’ve been seeing. It was around 2 a.m. We had just spent two hours talking over drinks at this cute Italian place across from my apartment, another two on the roof playing We’re Not Really Strangers.
That night, we discussed past relationships and the affect they play into the one(s) we’re in now.
The question that stuck with me; is it fair to the person on the receiving end?
Should we all be plucking away dead leaves each time we get into something new with someone?
We both agreed at some point we have to look out for ourselves. Protecting your heart is a fair response to being hurt. But where’s the line between protecting yourself, using that as an excuse to keep people out and worse, as a way to trap someone in the casual dating zone no questions, no expectations, no accountability.
The problem isn’t the desire to explore, keep things light, or enjoy someone new.
It’s what hides in the crevices, the dark spaces, the camouflaged intentions
that quietly work to minimize someone else’s feelings.
“ I’d take bread crumbs, and turn them into a loaf”
That line hasn’t left my mind. I’ve been guilty of it on both sides. Offering just enough to keep someone around. Taking whatever they give just to not lose them. Just enough to feel connected, but never quite enough to be held accountable. Or to hold them accountable.
I hate the thought of someone not saying how they feel. Not saying what they want. Shrinking themselves just to be more digestible to someone else. And yet, I’ve been on both sides of that too.
The truth is, people rarely stay where they can’t be honest, they might linger for a while hoping the energy shifts. Hoping you’ll meet them halfway. But eventually, they leave. Or worse, they stay and slowly become someone else.
Makes me wonder how many people are walking around not heartbroken, but bent.
Not from being left, but from staying too long in places where they had to fold themselves up just to fit.
I don’t want to be that place for someone.
And I don’t want to end up there either.
Lately, I’ve been trying to be more clear.
About how I feel. About what I want.
Even if it feels too soon. Even if it might scare someone off.
Because at least then, I’ll know I wasn’t pretending to be okay with crumbs when I was starving for more.
“Anything other than yes is no, anything other than stay is go”
